The DJ

In the winter or 2018, I learned the terms fuccboi and softboi. I had no idea what each meant and had no idea that in the next couple of weeks I would come face to face with many of them.

I have been on a dating spree after adopting the mantourage dating lifestyle. Mantourage dating is dating multiple men at once. The benefit is that if one man starts misbehaving, you don’t get obsessed with him because you have say two or three or five more men you’re seeing that you can focus on instead. In a sense, it keeps your from getting attached too quickly. However, as I will share later…there is always a favorite…always the one you are hoping and rooting for to win your heart.

Okay…and now I continue on the recap. I think my last post was about the cocky guy in jorts so here goes what/who I’ve done after him….

The DJ – So the DJ was one of my first dating app matches. We started chatting, then texting, and before we could meet in person I told him I was taking a break and not ready to start dating (this revelation came about after I had a night of blackout drinking with a girlfriend..as I’m starting to see, I seem to have these drunken revelations quite often).

So the DJ really impressed me when his response was that he was okay with us staying friends. So off he goes on his own life, off I go on mine. I continue texting him and finally realize I do want to meet him. Our first meeting is great, we go to a bar, I’m immediately attracted to him. He’s tall, he’s got this bad boy, I don’t give a fuck and I get arrested all theme vibe that I find irresistible. I also am intrigued that he is a feminist and involved heavily in the gay community. I am more intrigued that we don’t hook up the first night on HIS account.

Second date, we meet at a bar and he gives me a gift he bought while he was traveling (which makes me blush because honestly, I get treated like shit by most men). We end up bar hopping and get shit faced drunk. We go back to his place (turns out he lives with a roommate) we have wild sex and the next morning he invites me to coffee and we hold hands as we walk to the local shop. He even offers me his jacket when he sees I’m cold. Romantic right?

The next date we meet at a bar again, get shit faced, go back to his place then fuck. Rinse, repeat. Rinse, repeat. This is how most of our dates continue. I’m really liking this guy but am starting to get annoyed about a few things:

  1. He never asks me out on a weekend so I’m constantly tiring myself out seeing him on a weeknight.
  2. He seems to have an asian fetish
  3. I found his twitter account and again, he just replies and responds to asian girls, one of which is his ex.
  4. he constantly pokes fun at my living with parents despite the fact that I’ve shared multiple times that it’s because I’m going through a divorce and can’t afford to move out
  5. When we aren’t drinking, we just kind of have nothing in common unless we start bashing people
  6. He is the worst texter. I text him and sometimes it takes hours to hear from him.
  7. this one is a new one – we went on a date and he takes me to the most pretentious L.A. scene full of trash materialistic young kids. On top of it, he spends most of our date pointing out asian girls (of course the slutty ones) and asking me if they are a car export model.
  8. This guys is making me feel insecure and we’re not even together!

So…despite all this I am still wondering if maybe he’ll surprise me and things will change because my physical attraction to him is intense. However, I was head over heels for my husband, and in the last two years when he started upsetting me and lying to me, I grew to spite him and found him physically repulsive. I learned in 2018 that ATTRACTION is flexible, it can come and go. What matters most in a relationship is common values, a sense of humor and RESPECT and TRUST!

So who knows what is going to happen with The DJ. My girlfriends don’t like him already and they havent even met him. I guess we’ll just have to see….

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Guy Two: Cocky in JORTS

I’m going to give guy two a VERY quick review even though our date lasted for about five hours. Guy two’s profile was very hike-friendly. Nothing but photos of him hiking and alone. He peaked my interest because he had a “nice guy” smile and based on the pics, seemed down-to-earth and plain – the perfect guy for a date where I don’t have to worry about impressing him. 

I met him at The Grove – where he showed up in JORTS – jean shorts. He’s from out of town he says, and where he’s from it snows, so today’s weather of 60 degrees won’t stop him from wearing his JORTS! I’m not a shallow person, I mean I didn’t pretend to not notice him when I saw the jorts, but he also seemed shorter than the height he listed on his profile (something I will encounter over and over again). 

Let’s keep this one short.

THE GIST:

Pros

  • He has a steady job
  • He lives alone and just moved his own condo 
  • He’s fit, I guess.
  • He likes me.
  • Oh and he likes me.

Cons

  • He was late to our date
  • He didn’t pay for shit on the date
  • He was SO COCKY, when he doesn’t really need to try that hard. I was so exhausted listening to him talk about how much of a workaholic he was.
  • He made jokes that were not funny, or at least I didn’t find them funny
  • He kept talking about his job, but bragging about how much smarter he was than everyone
  • His way of flirting was being very demeaning and talking down to me. At many points during our date I actually was insulting him because he said something upsetting, I think he took it instead as being sassy and flirtatious. 

So in typical ME fashion, the date went on for five hours because I didn’t know how to tell him I wanted to go home. This included a two hour dinner at Bucca – we split an entree even though I wanted my own, way to make me feel like a fatty on my first date – then “window shopping” at a furniture store and finally gelato – which I paid for, I have no idea why I paid for it when I was having such a miserable time. I think it was my weird way of treating him nice knowing I was never planning on seeing him again.

Anyways, he tells me he had a great time, I repeat back “OH YES, I HAD A GREAT TIME TOO!” We part our ways, then I spend the rest of the weeks pretending to be busy and finally sorta “ghost” him by telling him I’m not ready to date. The shitty thing is, he probably still sees my dating profile on the dating app. Oh well. THE END! 

Guy One: The Shy One With a Surprise

I “liked” Guy One’s profile immediately. It was simple, included two photos of himself but mostly included his photography works which included pastel nostalgic edited photos of sunbathers at the beach. His profile was simple but he came off as sincere, so we matched up and started chatting. 

DATE ONE

We decided to meet halfway in Los Angeles. We met for tacos, and I immediately came across my first dating dilemma as a recent divorcee brand new to the life of dating apps – who pays for what?! When I was dating “back in the day” the men would pay for everything. This is not to say that I am a freeloader (trust me, I’ve been in relationships where I was practically a sugar momma), but what is the expected norm now? To make matters more confusing, Guy One was 28 years old, I am 32 – yes making me a “cougar” but also I wasn’t sure what these “millennial” young boys expected now.

I decided to make the decision to order first and immediately whip out my wallet as a clear sign that I would being paying for myself. My rationale being that if you are on a dating app, you are most likely going on a lot of first dates and it can get expensive after a while. Later on a girlfriend will tell me she does NOT respect a guy who won’t pay for her, or at least offer to pay because her time is valuable and he should be able to dish out at least $15! I’m still not sure how I feel about this. I think on a first date it would be nice if they offer to buy you a drink, but they are not expected to pay for the entire outing unless they can afford it.

Anyways, guy one was a very handsome redhead with dark shark eyes. I know that sounds scary but to me it was quite gorgeous and intriguing. However when he opened his mouth he released a very high and squeaky voice – which was confusing since I did not expect it based on his looks, but something I was able to deal with.

However throughout the date I realized he had some insecurities. He was VERY shy and would not always make eye contact with me. I felt as if I was talking the entire time through our date. He would shine only when I would purposefully ask him about something I knew he was an expert in. 

After we finished our tacos, we walked around the neighborhood and ended up at a bar down the street. That’s when I remembered, he DIDN’T DRINK. I knew this ahead of time but didn’t realize how awkward things would feel as he sipped on some water and I was on my second whiskey drink. It felt like a job interview. Yet still, I managed to keep the conversation going while he sat there and smiled at me. When it was time to go he told me he had a really good time and asked if I wanted to do it again. This having been my first date ever since my divorce I agreed because…well he wasn’t a serial killer and even though we did not click, I decided to give it another shot – it would at least be good dating practice. I was also just very happy that someone thought I was dateable. 

DATE TWO

Our second date was in Pasadena. Again, he was very shy and quiet.  He looked like he was wearing the same outfit he wore to our first date – black Patagonia rain coat and jeans. The date went as the first one did, me talking while he smiled and stared at me. I tried to make it more interesting by planting the idea of going to an arcade. He was kind of nerdy so I thought he would appreciate this idea. The plan worked! We went to an arcade and ended up having a nice time playing retro games. At the end of the night I told him I needed to go home and he offered to drive me home. When we got to my house I turned to him to tell him I had a good time and paused for a few seconds to give him the opportunity to lean in for a kiss. The three seconds came and went and I just gave him a hug and went home. 

While I was crawling into bed in my PJs that same night, I got a call from Guy One. Thinking it must have been an emergency because….who calls someone now instead of texting…I picked up. He went on to tell me he had a nice time and asked me if I did too. “Yes, I did” I responded. Which he then replied with “I don’t know how to say this…..” immediately I thought he was going to tell me he didn’t want to see me again and just didn’t know how to end the date. Instead he finished the sentence with “I’ve never been affectionate with another female.” Which I translated for him as, he’s never done anything sexual with a woman. In big relief that he wasn’t disappointed with ME, I said “AWWWWW that’s so cute. Thank you for telling me” which in retrospect was probably humiliating for him.

I then told him we could just be friends and he told me “NO, I don’t want to just be friends.” I then made the joke that I could rape him one day. Again, very very dumb joke I know this. He awkwardly laughed and we decided we would go on another date.

Fast forward to the next day and I’m talking to my girlfriend who convinced me that the last thing I need after getting out of a marriage is to date a virgin who would need to be taught everything. To be honest, I didn’t care he was a virgin, the biggest thing for me was that we didn’t click and it was quite honestly exhausting to go on dates with him. If I couldn’t even enjoy a date with him, why would I go through the trouble of helping him lose his virginity. I am a people pleaser and a I needed someone who would be a natural match.  I called him later that night and told him I didn’t think we would see eachother again as I was not romantically interested in him. His response was “aww that’s a bummer.” I felt horrible, but it was probably for the best. I just hope he didn’t think I decided to stop talking to him after I found out he was a virgin. 

“Where’s Your Body Shot?” Creating a Dating Profile is Mortifying

As part of the divorce process I moved out back to Los Angeles, where I am currently living with my parents as I “transition” (translation: save money while I pay off expensive lawyer fees).  That also meant I rekindled friendships with my single girlfriends – all very excited that I was back in the dating game and reassuring me how much fun I would have. So how does one “date”? When I first started dating my future ex-husband, dating apps were not in existence. There was no swiping on tinder, there was awkward stalking for weeks until he had the courage to ask you out for lunch or ask for your number. You met someone at work or at a party, or they were a mutual acquaintance – NOT anymore. 

Excited but feeling super awkward about creating a dating profile, I dove right in. I downloaded Tinder, Bumble and Hinge on the advice of my friends.  I immediately dealt with the struggle of creating a profile that would be reflective of who I really was (I don’t want to mislead anyone) versus the marketed and sexier version of myself. Basically me without make up on a hike, versus me dolled up in heels. The mortifying part was when my friend asked to see my profile and started judging not the quotes or information I posted, but my pictures. She immediately asked “Where is your body shot?” meaning no one cares about my selfies, where is the photo of my body. She proceeded to scroll through my photos and basically told me I should get rid of the boring photos – which happened to be pictures of me without makeup at home (which is me usually!). 

But I began to realize a common thread among the dating profiles of the opposite sex. At one point I was swiping past the same photos: __MALE____ in Maccu Piccu,____MALE___ with his dog, __MALE_____at the beach with sunglasses on. The descriptions were all similar too: “I love to be active and I love to travel!” Yes, yes, we all do don’t we?  I also felt like the guys popping up on my screen all looked like douche bags, it wasn’t until a buddy of mine who is a male told me it’s impossible not to look like a douchebag when you’re a guy because posing for a photo doesn’t really work for guys – it always ends up coming off as cheesy and cocky. 

So scouring through dating apps was harder than I had imagined. I decided, to just go for what felt right and I decided not to put my eggs in one basket. If a guy stood out to me for some reason, I would message him. After all, if it didn’t work out, he didn’t have my personal contact information and it wouldn’t be a bad rejection for either of us as we would just continue along the swiping wave.

I also decided I would inform any men who contacted me that I was going through a divorce and living with my parents – honesty is important here…whether I say it immediately or on date three doesn’t matter folks! 


Dear Diary: Too Soon To Start Dating?

It was a few weeks after my future ex-husband and I agreed to get a divorce. The details why we decided to get a divorce aren’t very important, however I should note that it felt as if I was single the last two years of our relationship. We were living like roommates and my physical and sexual attraction to him was completely gone.

Broken-hearted, confused and insecure, I immediately began seeking out friends and co-workers who have gone through divorces themselves. I was pleasantly surprised to realize it was very easy to find divorcees – they were out there in the droves! I know this isn’t necessarily a thing to be happy about, but it was very comforting at a time when I was feeling guilt for what felt was a failure due to my faults. By the way, in retrospect I realize it was NOT my fault. It just was not meant to be. 

Anyways, so after having coffee, lunches, dinners and drinks with a bunch of divorcees, I realized that most of my fellow divorcees immediately started dating. I found this a shock and thought it was too soon, however it encouraged me to download dating apps – specifically Tinder, Hinge and Bumble. This is such an awkward time in my romantic and personal life that I decided to start a blog to keep track of my dating experiences. Enjoy.